Group Cards

Women’s Bible studies love group cards. Its uncanny. I dare you to find me a women’s Bible study that, over the course of a year, hasn’t forced its members to sign at least five group cards. Its a bit like the way we all have to go to the ladies room together. Apparently the two things a woman can’t do alone is powder her nose and write a brief message of support.

Group cards are terrible for a number of reasons, but there are two really glaring horrors. The first is that its almost impossible to get 15-20 women to write messages brief enough to fit into one card.  While some may keep their messages to 2-3 lines, there’s always at least one who decides to write a treatise on the value of friendship complete with Scripture proofs. And once one has waxed poetic, the dam breaks. Suddenly, everyone becomes Ralph Waldo Emerson and has a collection of essays up her sleeve. Messages are written sideways, diagonally, and on the back of the card in an effort to fit the maximum number of words in small space allotted. Some women (usually me) begin abandoning articles and conjunctions and inventing peculiar abbreviations.  Heaven help you if you’re the last woman to get the card.

The second horror is related to the first. It is a well established fact that everyone reads everyone else’s messages. So, unless you are the last person to write in the card (in which case you won’t have any space to write anything anyway), prepare for everyone to read your message.  Make sure you don’t write anything too personal or heartfelt because you’re not just saying it to the recipient, you’re saying it to the entire group.

The worst group card is the random appreciation card. Congratulations cards, get well cards, wedding cards, and other event-themed cards are easy enough.  Even if one does not know the recipient particularly well, one can usually conjure up something pithy.

“So sorry to hear your gallbladder has fallen out. Will remember you in my prayers.”

“Very happy to hear about your new home purchase! When might I expect a dinner invite? I’ll bring my prized turnip casserole!”

“Congratulations on your nuptials. I hear its all downhill from here.”

Appreciation cards, however, are a whole different ball game. The entire point of the card is to acknowledge an individuals’ actions and further encourage them. This is not something that can be done with greeting card cliches. And, you know, ideally messages of appreciation would develop from a sincere feeling of gratitude. Ideally.

Case in Point: Last week, I was informed that my women’s study will be sending nine appreciation cards to various members of our church staff. Yes. Nine.  Usually I would take this kind of thing as a divine sign to head for the hills. It turns out that I actually really love the women in my study and I can’t bring myself to abandon them, even in the face of such disaster. Even so, this announcement almost undid me.

I know five  of the individuals well enough to actually feel gratitude and appreciation (in fact, I had plans to send 4 of them Christmas cards anyway). I barely know the other four. So, here are my choices. I can lie and say nice things or I can be honest. If I’m honest, the messages will read something like this:

Dear Music Director  – I like your hipster glasses, but I wish you would sing in a lower key so I didn’t have to sing in my weird manly monotone on Sunday mornings. P.S. How do you get your skinny jeans on? 

Dear Church Administrator That I Met Last Week – I know we just met and while I really like you and we share a love for Colin Firth,  we’ve sadly only had 2 conversations.  Unfortunately, now I’m forced to write you this weird awkward note about how much I’ ve appreciated you all year when frankly…I haven’t. I’ll try better next year?

Dear Children’s Ministry Director – I do not have children nor do I have an interest in children. But, um, I’m glad you do?  Thanks for not pressuring me to work in the nursery. I hate it when people do that.

You see my conundrum. Aside for the church administrator, who seems to have a well-developed sense of irony, these people are going to wonder why the hell I even signed the card.

And so maybe I won’t. Maybe this time, I will send genuine messages of affection and support to the people I know and quietly pass the group cards on to the next lady in line.  Maybe it is worse to write  fake drivel than it is to honestly acknowledge that I do not actually know and appreciate everyone that I should.

And perhaps in the coming year, I’ll take the time to get to know these people . Then, I can tell them I appreciate them and mean it.